Permission to Not Know

Randall Polito has noticed something in meetings.

Someone doesn't understand what's being discussed. They know six other people in the room probably don't understand it either. But nobody asks for clarity. Nobody says "can you run that by me again?" Nobody admits they're confused.

Instead, they nod along. They pretend to understand. They protect the image of "I've got this" instead of actually getting the information they need to do their job.

It's the lost art of asking for what you need.

Here's what Randy Polito has learned: most people would rather maintain the appearance of understanding than admit confusion. It's ego. Pure ego. "I don't want to look less than. I don't want to seem incompetent. So I'll nod and pretend and hope it becomes clear later."

And it doesn't become clear later. It stays confused. The work gets done wrong. The project stalls. And nobody ever says "the problem was that I didn't understand the instruction and I was too proud to ask."

Randall Polito thinks about this differently now. The unmet need isn't just clarity. The unmet need is permission. Permission to be human. Permission to not know. Permission to say "I need help understanding this."

When he's working with teams in the storming and norming phases, he's learned that asking a question instead of offering a correction can make a world of difference. Not "you're doing that wrong." But "what do you need from me to make this work?"

The person on the other side often says the same thing: "I don't understand what you want from me." And then when you actually tell them, specifically, what you need—when you ask instead of correct—everything shifts.

Here's what Randy Polito believes: the courage isn't in having all the answers. The courage is in admitting you don't have them.

In recovery, this was foundational. People had to learn to ask for help. To admit they didn't know what they were doing. To say "I can't do this alone." That admission—that vulnerability—was what allowed them to actually get better.

It's the same at work. The person who asks "can you clarify that?" is the person who actually understands what's needed. The person who nods and pretends is the person who's going to miss the mark.

Randall Polito thinks about this constantly: How many mistakes happen because someone was too proud to ask for clarity? How many projects go sideways because someone didn't want to look like they didn't understand?

And more importantly: How many people around you don't understand but also won't ask? They're probably waiting for you to ask first. Waiting for permission. Waiting to see if it's safe to admit confusion.

Here's what Randy Polito does now: he asks first. He admits confusion first. He models the permission to not know. And suddenly, six other people in the room feel like they can ask too.

That's how you build teams that actually understand each other. Not by pretending to have all the answers. But by being willing to ask for what you need.

— Randy Polito